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If footballers were cars: meet England's World Cup Motors Squad

We present our World Cup England Motors squad, arranged in manager Roy Hodgson’s opening 4-2-3-1 formation


England cars football team

REPORTS OF an Alfa Romeo Brera being smeared with pasta sauce on the eve of England’s World Cup encounter with Italy prove how closely nations are identified with their cars, at least in the heads of mindless sauce throwers.

It got Driving thinking: what if the England team were composed not of men but of motorcars?  What model would be in goal? What models would be in defence? What would the manager be?

Below, we present our World Cup England Motors squad arranged in manager Roy Hodgson’s opening 4-2-3-1 formation. We know what you’re thinking: some of our chosen cars are not strictly English, being manufactured by German and Indian-owned companies. Well, like some accuse FIFA of saying, “rules are made to be broken”. In any case, Mini, Jaguar, Bentley and Rolls-Royce: not English?  Woy would choke on his cwumpets.

 

Manager: Rolls-Royce Phantom

Discreet and sophisticated but with just the right amount of flash, the Phantom is a manager our cars can look up to while knowing it is, deep down, cut from the same cloth.

Search for and buy a used Rolls-Royce Phantom on driving.co.uk

Goalkeeper: Range Rover Sport

A Range Rover would boss its goal and the defenders protecting it, but the Sport has the wings to leap for those crucial saves.

Search for and buy a used Range Rover Sport on driving.co.uk

Right-back: Bentley Continental GT Speed coupé

Muscle-bound footie’s favourite can hold the line like no other, and leave it like no other, too, with devastating sprints up the pitch in an all-or nothing, late-goal charge.

Search for and buy a used Bentley Continental on driving.co.uk

Centre-back (Captain): Morgan Aero

Its blend of old-school entitlement and lashings of misplaced confidence are just what the Aero needs to command respect among its fellow divas.

Search for and buy a used Morgan on driving.co.uk

 

Centre-back: Aston Martin DB9

This young team needs a steadying hand; something like the DB9 that can trace its roots back to the venerable DB7. Solid, masterful and fleet of wheel when the occasion demands.

Search for and buy a used Aston Martin DB9 on driving.co.uk

 

Left-back: Land Rover Defender

Obvious really, but its name alone shouldn’t be enough to guarantee selection. OK, it is enough to guarantee selection.

Search for and buy a used Land Rover Defender on driving.co.uk

 

Holding midfield: Range Rover Evoque

Thuggish but light on its wheels, this midfielder must carry the ball confidently to the players ahead, creating chances for our lone striker out front. An Evoque is just the job.

Search for and buy a used Range Rover Evoque on driving.co.uk

 

Holding midfield: Jaguar XFR-S Sportback

With the heart of a whippet and the legs of a greyhound the XFR-S will leave the opposition spinning as it powers goalwards. The hardest bit is getting it to drop the ball. Just rattle the biscuits.

Search for and buy a used Jaguar XF on driving.co.uk

 

Right-wing: Caterham Seven

Blistering pace, pin-point accuracy (for those long, curling passes) and timeless good looks. Reminds us of that other brilliant number seven who once wore an England shirt.

 

Playmaker: Mini Cooper S

A sense of adventure is what we need from our creative forwards and the hot Mini is so out there, it makes Livingstone look like Dave from the Royle Family.

Search for and buy a used Mini on driving.co.uk

 

Left-wing: Lotus Elise

Not surprisingly, given its shared heritage, another pin-sharp forward cast in the same mould as its fellow winger on the right.

Search for and buy a used Lotus Elise on driving.co.uk

 

Striker: Ariel Atom

Every team needs its Balotelli (OK, maybe not) and the England Motors squad definitely has it in the fast, bonkers and totally uncompromising Ariel Atom. Come on Engerland!

 

Star substitute: McLaren P1

The ace up the squad’s sleeve. Bring this motor on at half-time and watch even the Germans and Italians feign injury.

 


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